The Return of the Evil Apple Juice

I couldn't wait to get home and chug what was left of my 2 quart bottle of apple juice. Yes, sweet refreshing goodness. Then I had an overwhelming urge to poop. So I let it all out, and got more than I had bargained for when I began to squirt out loads of liquid fecal matter. Apparently, the apple juice I had been drinking had unnoticeably gone bad. Take that, butthole!

It's like a credit card

Last night we went to Santana's after the bars let us out. When I received my bean and cheese burrito, I did my usual favorite by drizzling the contents with green sauce and adding an extra layer of onion and hot pepper. Sadly, I don't know the name of the type of pepper, but it enhanced every bite with flaming hot ecstasy. This morning, I paid for it in pain. Take that, butthole!

Creepy Babies

A couple tiny spiders strung down from the ceiling while typing away on these computer keys earlier this morning. I grabbed their thread-like ropes and dropped them on the carpet, since these guys aren't uncommon. But as one of my friends at work stepped out of the building, he started dancing around, yelling and frantically wiping his shirt with his hands. At least 50 baby brown spiders were crawling on his shirt, all over his chest and back. Somewhere in the office, an egg sac had hatched.

I will not ride the red rocket

At around midnight about two nights ago, when I was riding my bike through a higher-end neighborhood to go back to my friend's house. I heard a yelp. Unsure of its origins on whether it was a lady or a puppy, I dismounted my bicycle and walked through the dewy lawn toward the house. "Take it! I said take it," growled an old man. By this time I crouched behind some bushes in a backyard watching a white-haired white guy partially wearing purple silk pajamas. The yelps were not from a human lover, but of a full grown greyhound. Oh lord. This old man gave his dog his bone doggy style, then rolled on his back, still hugging his dog which was positioned belly up, exposing an obvious protruding lipstick. Before I could retreat vomit had already exited my mouth and into the bushes, startling the two lovers. "Who in the hell is over there?!" Running away from a barking dog and trying to finish vomiting is a tough act. "Get back over here!" I kept running. This is a huge property, and I'm headed toward my bike with a dog on my tracks followed by an old guy in partial pajamas, and he was catching up. "Gotcha!" I looked back. The old guy tackled his dog, and stared at me, "Don't ever think about taking this dog."
"I wasn't going to take your--"
"Shut up! Don't start! I know your kind!"
My kind?
"All you want to do is fuck my dog, and I'm not going to let that happen! You fucking asshole, don't even think about it!"
"Sir, I'm not going to fuck your dog. It's okay. I'm going to leave right now." I pedaled out of there as fast as I could.

"I said, look at it!!!"

Where's my camera when I need it most? After producing the radio show today, we went to Hamburger Mary's and ordered a carafe of mimosa, but left prematurely after an intoxicated gentleman walked around to every table at the outside patio and made everyone look at his penis, which lay pathetically flaccid and slightly flopped over the waist band. When the bartender attempted to kindly escort him out of the restaurant, the drunk scoffed at him and began urinating on the floor mat in defiance of repressive company policy.
Thirty minutes into our second destination, Lucky Baldwin's, a frat boy started defecating in the plastic tree planter a few tables away from us for losing a bet. His friends laughed at him unforgivably for not taking off his pants.