Macy*s in Pasadena

I sat down on the toilet, with a neighbor to my left who had been sitting there for a while. After several minutes, the man was not moving. This guy has been here for a while. I tried to make out his shadow on the floor, listening closely for his breathing pattern. It was erratic, composed of small gasps of air. I looked at his shadow again. Maybe he has an iPhone and he's shaking it for some game on it, or maybe he has a Pokemon thing that you have to shake. None of these excuses are good enough, and I was disgusted that he was getting off on my taking a shit. 

Soilent Green

Yesterday my friend and I sat on the porch drinking beer. He was picking his nose while talking about veganism and environmental sustainability. I saw him eat a booger. "You know," I said, "boogers may be sustainable, but they aren't vegan." 

"You just spoiled my favorite bad habit."

Greased Lightning

After eating some dried fruit at work yesterday, I ran to the bathroom and released liquid poop, like I had a hose for intestines. Every time I stepped out of the bathroom door, I walked back in. It happened four times. To find out the culprit of my suffering, I looked in the toilet and saw pieces of cilantro, eaten with the pizza the night before. It was the four slices of x-large cheese pizza and the quesadillas. Then I went home and pooped. Then I went to pee, pushing out the pee as hard as I can so I can pee as fast as I can. Doing so, I pushed out a fart that turned out to be poop, and I quickly sat back down on the toilet. Maybe it's just better to pee while sitting down. 

Bursting Balls

When people ask what was the gnarliest thing I saw at Burning Man, I say the naked unicyclist. It looked like his balls were about to pop. Ouch!

The Return of the Evil Apple Juice

I couldn't wait to get home and chug what was left of my 2 quart bottle of apple juice. Yes, sweet refreshing goodness. Then I had an overwhelming urge to poop. So I let it all out, and got more than I had bargained for when I began to squirt out loads of liquid fecal matter. Apparently, the apple juice I had been drinking had unnoticeably gone bad. Take that, butthole!

It's like a credit card

Last night we went to Santana's after the bars let us out. When I received my bean and cheese burrito, I did my usual favorite by drizzling the contents with green sauce and adding an extra layer of onion and hot pepper. Sadly, I don't know the name of the type of pepper, but it enhanced every bite with flaming hot ecstasy. This morning, I paid for it in pain. Take that, butthole!

Creepy Babies

A couple tiny spiders strung down from the ceiling while typing away on these computer keys earlier this morning. I grabbed their thread-like ropes and dropped them on the carpet, since these guys aren't uncommon. But as one of my friends at work stepped out of the building, he started dancing around, yelling and frantically wiping his shirt with his hands. At least 50 baby brown spiders were crawling on his shirt, all over his chest and back. Somewhere in the office, an egg sac had hatched.